There is something wrong with me.
I have a problem
There is Chaos flowing through my veins.

Chaos, sin, evil, disorder...

Lately, much has been going wrong in my life. "wrong" as if what events in my life are wrong or right. I'm not talking about morality. I'm asking, Is is wrong that my car is messed up? Is it wrong that I perpetually have very little money? Maybe this is what my life is supposed to be like and I should just suck it up and let myself be ok with it all.

 Also, what's up with other people?
 Over the past year I have noticed that everyone... well not everyone.. Many people are very, VERY self-serving. They don't care about you except for what you can do for them or what you mean to them. Most of these people don't or wont consciously realize that they are like that.
  Actually, now that I think about it, it seems like most people are like this. It is very sad and discomforting. What's even more discomforting is the fact that I have noticed this in myself. I am very selfish and prideful. I usually notice this about myself just when I starting thinking to myself, "Oh you aren't that selfish, you aren't that prideful."  and then I realize, "Oh yes I am! I am like that." In fact, I'm selfishness and pride are at the root of every single sin. We say to ourselves, "I can do whatever I want." That's true freedom right? To be able to do whatever you want, even if it kills you. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but that's the general consensus, yes?
  When I notice these things about myself, it makes me very sad. I don't want to be selfish or prideful. I want to genuinely care about others and place them before myself and be humble about it. Is that too much to expect from myself? These problems remind me of how I need Jesus. Ironically, when I feel sad about my selfishness, I turn away from God a bit.
  Ultimately, I remember Jesus and I remember the cross and how my sin was nailed to it.

Hurt

I seem to have a personality that lends me to being sad and feeling pain. I guess a lot of people would be surprised to hear that about me. (Then again, I know a few who would say that description is spot-on)

At any rate, I tend to go through phases of happiness separated by moods of sadness and pain. I am never sure if I hurt because I am seeing the world rightly or if I am just spiritually immature. Although, am certainly immature...

 I think sadness and hurt are very important in our lives. It's when I am hurting that I more readily notice my need for Christ's presence. It's when I am hurting that songs "How He Loves" hit me to my core. And scripture like "Whom have I in heaven but You and there is nothing on earth I desire but You. Though my heart and my flesh may fail, You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Hurt is important. Without hurt, there is no healing.

Im not saying we should pursue hurt, but we should embrace it. Don't try to cause pain in your life or the lives of others. It will come all on it's own, but when it comes... When it comes, let it come because it is in our pain that we truly see how great God really is.

We live in a fallen world and we are all trying to go our own way. Suffering (to some degree)  is a guarantee. But through the storms of life we have an Anchor. Jesus Christ.

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil

Anchor of my soul, you remain, you sustain

How sweet the gospel sounds to ears like mine

Veni Sancte Spiritus

Come, Holy Spirit,

send forth the heavenly

radiance of your light.

Come, father of the poor,

come giver of gifts,

come, light of the heart.

Greatest comforter,

sweet guest of the soul,

sweet consolation.

In labor, rest,

in heat, temperance,

in tears, solace.

O most blessed light,

fill the inmost heart

of your faithful.

Without your grace,

there is nothing in us,

nothing that is not harmful.

Clense that which is unclean,

water that which is dry,

heal that which is wounded.

Bend that which is inflexible,

fire that which is chilled,

correct what goes astray.

Give to your faithful,

those who trust in you,

the sevenfold gifts.

Grant the reward of virtue,

grant the deliverance of salvation,

grant eternal joy.

In Christ Alone

Tonight it came to my attention that I have no idea what I am doing.
I am not the who I think I am.

I always hurt the ones I love and that's why they always seem to distance themselves from me. Right now, the main thing I want is just someone to be close to. Really close to. Closer than anyone I know is willing to be with me.
I want a person to live life with me.
I suppose what I am describing is a wife.

I prayed about it today, among other things.
God said, "My grace is sufficient for you"
I should be looking to God rather than people. I don't really have much choice right now anyways.

Psalm 73:25,26

Conviction

Another Quote from a good friend-

"man whenever I am truly in tune with the Lord and really just thriving in His presence, yeah..I stay convicted.. the more I am growing in my knowledge of Him and in intimacy with Him, the more I realize how much grace He lavishes upon me and how sinful I really am and the more I am convicted over areas of my life...not because I am growing more sinful..just more aware.."

Realignment

My life is a light for Your cause
My will laid aside for Your call
And reserved are the depths of my heart
Only for You

I'm caught in the rhythms of grace
They overcome all of my ways
Realigning each step everyday
To live for Your glory

There's none beside You God
There's none beside You God

You're there in the dark of the night
While holding the sun and it's light
Through the triumph and trials alike
There's no-one beside You

Your voice called the stars by their name
'Cause You whispered them all to their place
To testify to Your wonder and praise
Both now and forever

There's none beside You God
There's none beside You God
I love my life to shine Your light
'Cause there's none beside You God

No eye has seen
No ear has heard
The depths of Your love, Lord
No mind can fathom
The love You deserve
How great You are

This song is from the newest Hillsong album, Aftermath.
The first verse of the song is all about how devoted the singer is to Christ.
"My will laid aside for your call.... Reserved are the depths of my heart, only for you"
The rest of the song is mostly just about the greatness of God.

I really love this song. I have been wanting to post some lyrics as my facebook status for a while, but I haven't because I have to ask myself, "Am I really that devoted to Christ?"
Can I really say that I am "realigning each step every day" to live for God's glory?

I would say that no, I can't truthfully say that. Can you say that?
Seriously, think about it.
Go up and read the first two stanzas again, and really think about what the song is saying here.

It's saying,
"My life is a beacon for your glory (you cause)
Your call on my life is more important than anything else I might want
And there is a special part of my that save just for you, God.

You're steady grace is so great that I am compelled to push aside my own way of life and replace it with the way that you have called me to
Each day, I realign my motives and my actions so that I can bring you more and more glory"

Wow. Who can genuinely sing that? Who can say such a thing about themselves with any such honesty?

The song goes on to talk about the greatness of God and the greatness of his love for us.
Go ahead and read the rest of the song now.

In light of all this, how can we not lay aside our will and devote our lives to be a light for his glory?

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."
-Philippians 3:7-11

Whenever I am in a worship service and I encounter songs like this, songs that speak such devotion. I sing them as a prayer that I will be as devoted to Christ as these words say. God is so great and his love is so strong, how can we offer him anything but everything?

...and I rose with you!

John 1:1-14, 2 Cor 5:17, 2 Cor 8:9, Gal 6:14, Phil 1:21, Phil 3:8, Col 3:1

God of love You came to earth
Born in a manger, the incarnate Word
Full of grace, and full of truth
You healed the leper, You made all things new
Religion despised Your word of love
Condemned You to die in Your innocence
A crown of thorns and mockery
Were Yours my Savior, my precious King

Stained with blood and bruised with pain
The Lamb of God on a cross of shame
Never before and never again
Was love so great, was death so grim
There on the hill You died for me
You took my sin, gave me liberty
I’ll never boast but in Your cross
And all my gains I now count as loss

When sins they rob my heart of joy
And condemnation seems to steal even more
This I recall, You rose again
And I rose with You, hallelujah amen
So if I live in want, or die in shame
To live is You and to die is gain
I in You and You in me
My God, my brother, my indentity

Were I tempted with the best of earth
All it’s pleasures and all it’s gold
And if fame in all it’s kingdoms
Was in my hands to hold
I’d scorn it all for You’ve given me
The treasure of Your Son
And now I’m richer than the richest
For You’ve given me Your love