Direction

I have no idea what I am doing.

"Just follow Jesus"

Well, ok. I'm trying. Is it really that simple? I hope so.

As I was pushing through work tonight I thought how different I am from my coworkers. I definitely am different, but not because of my relationship with Christ. I'm just a different guy haha. It upset me though. I wanted to cry.

It bothered me because I want to care more. I don't care enough about them. If I did, I would minister to them instead of goofing around all the time, just trying for laughs.

I guess I kinda got mad at myself. Mad because I kinda have seen myself as a passionate person, but I'm realizing lately that I'm not really. I'm just a normal guy really, and I'm not ok with that...

I thought also about my future. I'm beginning to feel more and more like I'm wasting my time where I'm at. At my job, at my school, in my town. My friend said I should read through the gospels, so I am. I started in Matthew and that's where I still am. I keep seeing the reckless, instant, unquestioning devotion that Jesus calls us to. I'm thinking, "I don't do that. In fact, who do I know that does that?" I feel like I've missed it. We've missed it.

Maybe I should quit my job?
Maybe I should move sooner than I thought?
Maybe not?

The thing is, I really just don't know what to do.
I want to feel Jesus guiding me in every little action.
I know it's possible because I felt that way before, but I got scared and did my own thing, so that feeling went away. I want it back though. It makes me sad that I pushed those feelings out.
I guess the main thing I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to do, but I want to do it (whatever it is) so badly. I know I need to just follow Jesus. I think that I need to follow him in little steps, and those little steps will add up into major change in my life. I just want and need to feel that guiding hand in my heart again. So that's what I'm praying for.
I don't know who all reads this, but will you pray for me in this?
You don't have to respond to me. Just pray please.